Straya’ : Fifty Shades of G’Day.

by SC

Straya’, the great land down built upon a code of respect and giving everyone a fair go. A dam fair dinkum nation where camaraderie and mate ship runs so raw you could throw it on the barbie and feed your family for a week straight. So as a proud Strayian’ let me give you Bills, Bobs and Joes a true blue introduction to the land where beer is king and Vegemite reigns supreme.

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  • ONE. Did you know that travelling by kangaroo is an accepted method of travel, I would suggest lighting up a smokey before hand as the added chance of lung cancer adds to moment.
  • TWO. When deodorant cans were first shipped to Australia from America, chefs sprayed it on there food to add a pleasant sense of aroma. This practice was later stopped after the Opera House caught of fire, in 1953.
  • THREE. Bob Hawke, a former Prime Minister of Australia once downed approximately 1.5 litres of beer in 11 seconds, setting a world record. He later stated this action “contributed to his political success more than any other, by endearing him a strong beer culture.” Jesus Fucking Christ, fucking oath big Hawkie.
  • FOUR. Crocodile Dundee’ played by Paul Hogan is known around the world for his quote “I’ll slip an extra shrimp on the barbie for ya’.” is actually allergic to shrimps, prawns and other Decapod Crustaceans.
  • FIVE. Traditionally Australians would greet each other with the phrase “Fair shake of the sauce bottle” when communicating on the phone. It wished each other good fortunate, as the full sauce bottle represented plenty to eat.
  • SIX. The “offensive” word : Cunt, is actually a word of endearment, swearing is an accepted part of Australian society and culture. After all this nation was built upon the backs of convicts from England, it’s to be expected that Strayians’ like it a bit rough. Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd once started his “Sorry” speech with the phrase, “Hail cunts and cuntettes.”
  • SEVEN. Piss is slang for alcohol, specifically beer, I am crying tears of manly joy as I get a Southern Cross tattooed on my chest. Fucking Straya’ mate.
  • EIGHT. When the Australian Government needs to clear some space for the farmers in the outback, they commenced Operation : K-Day which aimed to exterminate around 10,000 Kangaroos which were extremely overpopulated. The official slogan adopted was : Disregard Kangaroos, Acquire Freedom.
  • NINE. In 2001, the Indigenous community finally invented the stick. I’ll drink up to that one mate. Beers on the boys.
  • TEN. Many people in Australia carry around boomerangs in their bags or tucked neatly into their waist, (Almost like a gun) this offers the public some sort of protection against the rampant spread of dingos which can be spotted weekly in the suburbs. A famous campfire line states “Guns are for fakes, give me boomer with a beer mate!”

ImageI fucking told you, you didn’t believe it right?

Yes, dam straight it’s a privilege to live in the greatest nation on Earth ; Straya, where beer is liquid life, where tattoos are a rite of passage and where nothing can quench hunger like a god dam meat pie with some Tomato Sauce. I swear on my Victoria Beer (Greatest beer on Earth) and my fair dinkum sausage sizzle, that if you stay here for a week and you don’t like it, something’s wrong with you mate. So that’s it from Straya’s biggest battler, I still got some sheep to shear, a few birds to tune and some Cocaine to sniff.

–  Daniel “Jonsey” Jones.